Sept. 19, 2009

I keep putting off a journal update because I have been in a bad mood. But maybe if I air out all the damage on here, I can go back to feeling regular.

I hate the kinds of people that come in your life, and leave. Beg you back, act okay, then leave again. At what point do you say,"'Okay. No. Don't come back, FOOL!" I let myself get sucked back in time and time again. And when it's over I'm like what the hell?! Why did I do that? I know better, I really do.

Is this growing up? I really don't like it.

On the upside, being on the Yearbook staff makes me SO UNBELIEVABLY HAPPY. I interviewed a jazz guitarist at school the other day, and he desrcibed the first "moment" he knew music was for him. "I have been chasing that feeling ever since,' he said. I instantly knew what he meant. I love to find out interesting stories about people and interview them. I love taking the best parts of what they say and turning it into a neat little write up. I get visually giddy. It's just a rush, and with each interview I "chase the feeling."

It's amazing how you connect with someone via creative passion, even if the passions differ.

On a much happier note, I went to dinner with my favorite gay boyfriend, Jacob. He makes me laugh untill I have to leave to go to the bathroom! We always have so much fun. Whenever we go out to eat, we look like we're a perfect couple together, untill the check comes. We always have to ask them to split it, and the waiters always look at Jacob like he is a jerk for making me pay. It's hillarious. One of our little "things."

I'm glad I wrote this out. I feel relieved. If anyone out there is reading this, I hope you're having a great week. :]

Sept. 5, 2009

Hello, Beautiful! :]

I am loving this long weekend all ready. My second class on Friday got out at 9:30, and my last class was cancelled, so I had a head start on relaxing and reading. I just got Catching Fire....!!!! LOOOOVVEE. IIITTT. It is delicious and I am devouring it at warp speed.

I went to my high school's home game last night. The student section was ironically filled with most of my graduating class. We had an obnoxious level of school spirit. My younger friends tell me it's just not the same without my grade there at the pep rallies to get everyone fired up. It seems like a different school every time I go back. It makes me sad sometimes, but I am selfish enough to be greatful that it was NOT like that when I was there.

At the football game, I started to get the same kind of lonely feelings I did two years ago. I realized I went so long without something, only to fall right back in. Have you ever been so proud of yourself for staying away from something (or someone) awfuly, horendously, irreparably bad for you, only to get caught up again? And then when it's over, your realize the outcome is exactly what you KNEW would happen all that time. It makes me feel stupid...and hurt. But I am realizing more and more that life really does go on. And you either for along with it or you get left behind. Hmm..

Lately, I have really been relying on my friends to birng me back into the light. I have not had so much fun with them in YEARS. It reminded  me of the person I was becoming before other little life changes got in the way. I feel like aLOT of chapters in my life are being closed, never to be reopened. It's sad and exhilerating all at once. But I'm ready for it, and with the support system I have in my friends, I know I am going to come out on the brighter, better side.

I hope everyone has a great Labor Day Weekend :]


Aug. 22

Hey ya'll!

Today I FINALLY made a clean break from all the stupid high school drama holding me back. I love how now that I am in college I can refer to anything stupid as "high school." My first two days of college were AMAZING. As apprehensive as I was to go to this school, I am extremely glad I did. I love seeing new people and reconnecting with the friends I lost touch with over the summer. Everyone is so much happier and relaxed and just... better. I am so excited about what is to come.

I am having a little financial aid obstacle.. hopefully I will work it out next week. I don't like being without my books!! I am trying to find some from people who have all ready taken my classes.

I have been going out so much recently, it puts a smile on my face. I go through very long periods of time when I would rather stay home with my mom, read, watch movies, and mess around on the computer. I thought this quote in Nancy Horan's book Loving Frank described me well: "She had reverted back to her old habit of retreating into herself, holding up to read and study. When she came out for a burst of socializing, everyone seemed pleased to see her." I am going to try to be OUT more instead of staying safely inside. It really is a big step out of my comfort zone... But I really believe the steps we don't want to take are often the ones we should take the most.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Aug. 18

   Today I ran into my ex  boyfriends mother after drinking about a quart of coffee and picking at all the bumps on my face. It left me wondering why I ignored the voice that said, "Dab on concealer! Chew some gum!" But, she was still sweet. :]

   I love reading author blogs. The first one I ever came across was Sarah Dessen's a little over a year ago. She was one of the first authors I really loved. I always have LOVED books, but she was one of the first authors I started following. I'll never forget reading her blog and thinking, 'Hey, I do stuff like that. I like those things, too! Do I have what it takes to become an author?" Being young and still learning about myself and what I want to do is disheartening at times. Reading successful authors blogs -not just their books- and learning about their personalities and having a window into their mind really encourages me to start writting. I don't know how far the dream really would of gone without discovering author blogs.

   Lately, I have been so nervous about starting college Thursday (THURSDAY. OMG.) that I have been escaping into anything I can. Music, re-reading favorite books, and luckily all the footage on Woodstock/60's/70's/Counterculture. I have been eating all of that up. I can't describe why I'm so fascinated and drawn to it, but I am. I have been thinking lately I would like to get some kind of degree in history focusing on that time period. That would be too amazing to be true. 
  That thought makes me think about how ready I am to be done with all these basic classes at school. You can tell when I like a subject and when I dont. In English and History I always had almost perfect scores. In math and science... well. You can't be good at everything!

If you have any good thoughts to spare Thursday, send them my way!! :]


In the past year in a half, the longest I have been completely single, alone, no-boy-in-life has been a total of............ two weeks. So coming off my second failed relationship has not completely devastated me like I thought it would. I mean, even though I'm young, I fall for people very easily and strongly.  If you're in my life, I'm going to do whatever I can for you to make you feel good and happy. That is just how I am, and I LOVE being like that. Until the people in my life betray me and break my heart. At first it makes me want to keep a wall up around myself and not let anyone in like that again. But that's just NOT who I am.

So instead of being super upset and devastated (I am sad- don't get me wrong- I just know I will be okay), I'm really excited to start college in a few weeks and find out who I really am. At eighteen, I like who I am, but I know in ten years I won't be the person I am today. I love who I am, and how I feel, and I want to take advantage of it while I can.

I'm also super FREAKING excited to go through this next phase of my life without a relationship to be my crutch. When I am in a relationship I let myself be closed off to people, feelings, ideas, experiences... everything. I think that shows that I'm still a little immature to be dealing with the "i love you forever" future I have had with some people. I am scared- but ready- to open myself up to new things.

I hope to start updating this much much more often, so I will start doing my best.

Happy Sunday! :]
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    excited excited


I have a DATE tonight. !!!

I am:
butterfly filled
completely broken out

EEK! I can't believe i have three huge pimples tonight. How cliche.. and disastrous!

Happy Friday :]

(no subject)

This is just something that I have to deal with. I just have to be more careful about who I give my heart to. Who I make all the changes for in my life. You would think you knew a person after a year....a YEAR. You would think they would trust you after a year of being devoted to them. I'm only seventeen after all.

I wasn't perfect. But I don't deserve this.


One year and three days ago my boyfiend asked me out. Today at 3:30 we ended it. It is hard because now everything I do has a memory of him. My previous relationship of four months was hard to escape.... How will I escape a year's worth of memories?? It hurts, even though I know this is the right thing for both of us. I really really don't know if I will recover from this.

Snow Day!

Two years in a row it has snowed! Weee! This has not happened before in my lifetime, as far as I know. Right now it is coming down in sheets, but it mostly melts right when it hits the concrete. Still, the trees are gorgeous and the grass is white and it makes me feel good. I am going to share a cup of hot chocolate with my mommy. We have hopes it will last all day, and keep us out of school for tomorrow.

More Soon :]

P.S. All I want for Christmas is a white Christmas!